In Mourning

I've been sobbing so frequently that I think my tear ducts have literally dried out. However, as soon as I start thinking that the tears somehow seem to start flowing again. My body feels dehydrated and malnourished. I've had a pounding headache and a nauseated feeling in my stomach for the last two days. I've had to force feed myself in an effort to try to make myself feel better. I'm trying to stay busy and keep my mind off of things; in hopes that it helps me get over such a traumatic loss. I sometimes feel like I am in denial that the lifeless little body that I held while I sobbed at the vet's office the other day could really be that of Puck. Maybe he's still out there somewhere? Maybe we will find him. Then reality sinks in and I know that Puck will never be with us again.

People keep saying he is there in spirit or that he is at the bridge. I'm not sure I believe all that. Sometimes I almost feel like these are things that humans have made up to make themselves feel better about loss of life. But then again, I want to imagine Puck being greeted at the bridge by Delta Blue, my former roommates dog, who lost his young life tragically a few years ago. The two of them would have gotten along so well in this life. So maybe just maybe, the two of them are out there somewhere playing together! Waiting for Miss Marley and Dylan to one day join them.

My heart aches for Paul. I know he has suffered from this loss. I really wish that he had more time at home this week but I wonder if going to work has been best for him anyway. I want to be with him because I know he shares in my grief. Unfortunately, our opposite schedules aren't very permitting of that. I am glad I was able to take yesterday off so we could have some time together. I hope he is dealing with all this okay. I think he's probably better off than I am because he seems to be more in control of his emotions but I'm not sure that's always a sign that someone is better.

I'm trying to keep busy to avoid laying around in depression. Yesterday, I got to play with my nephew and spent too much money shopping. I made some collage photo frames of our Monster for myself and for Paul. It was very therapeutic and now I will have some photos to hang at home and a framed photo on my desk at work. Paul also has the same. Tonight I will hang out with my dear friend who recently lost her own dog to old age. She understands how I am feeling and will be a good person for me to be with.